Breathing Amidst the Busyness

    It's been quite awhile since I sat at my keyboard and just let the thoughts flow. Writing is my healing strength. It's so important and I have been neglectful.  I get so caught up in the trappings of the world and I forget to breathe. I forget to heal. My journal has been calling for me and due to the demands of work and life, I've been ignoring the call. Why? I've been pondering that very thing tonight.  When I write, I SEE CLEARLY! Maybe I don't want to see what my heart is leading me toward. 
    There is so much to be grateful for! My 95 year old paternal grandma has beat this COVID virus with a big stick. I have always admired her love, courage, boldness, and strength. She is goodness and tenacity in human form. Love with spunk! My Mema (my maternal grandmother) held my hand and rubbed my arm and tried to speak to me a couple of days ago. I knew she knew who I was, at least I choose to believe that. She raised her eyebrows and hummed and I melted. Love in it's purest form. She has been fighting Alzheimer's disease for going on twenty years. In her darkness, she showed me the light of love. 
    So, why am I struggling? That's the million dollar question. Maybe it's the isolation and the upheaval this virus has caused. Maybe it's the ten-twelve hour days trying to provide "my children" the education they deserve. It's hard. It's stressful. And then, there are other uncertainties. All I know is that I have neglected myself! My needs, desires, and wants. I have always thought the greatest gift I had to give others was the genuine and raw love I have in my heart for people. I give it freely and willingly. I'm learning that I need to guard that love because sometimes the love I give isn't treasured. As much as I want it to be, it just isn't. A precious friend reminded me this week that there are people who are bucket fillers and there are those who are bucket dippers. I can't fill my bucket all by myself, but I can stop people from dipping out of my bucket. If you're dipping or poking holes in my bucket; I'm putting a lid on it. We all deserve to have overflowing buckets and not rusted out aluminum farm pails. 
    This world we are living in is harsh and dark and sometimes I forget to look for the beacons of light: kindness, hope, joy, and love. I have said before that life is cyclic. There are periods of joy and light and moments of darkness and defeat. I have to remind myself that these dark times are truly moments. I don't live there. I am passing through and I must breathe and search for the light. I have looked for this light in others and sometimes I see a flicker or a spark, but I must remind myself that my flame burns bright within. The greatest light is within me. I've been in a dark spot for a few weeks, but I see a distant beam drawing me in it's direction. My goal is to make a difference. A real difference. I cannot do this from the shadows. 
    Trauma is real and it has real effects on all of us. I have to refocus. My life experiences can be a catalyst for change in others. My first semester at NCSU was derailed by COVID. It broke my heart and sent me down the wrong path. I won't allow this to get me in a rut. I'm pressing on. I covet your thoughts and prayers over the next few weeks. My application for the doctoral program is due on December 1st. I have a few loose ends to tie up before I submit my application. Once submitted, I will wait. What will be, will be and whatever it is will be ok!! 
    I love quotes and I found a few to share:

It all begins and ends in your mind. What you give power to, has power over you, if you allow it.

Someone asked me my direction... I said, "All the paths that lead to the light."

If your path demands you to walk through hell, walk as if you own the place.

Every ending is a new beginning.

"Real love doesn't meet you at your best. It meets you in your mess." JS Park

To be a good mother while my heart was breaking is one of the hardest roles I've ever had to play.

"At times, our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us." -Author Unknown

"She didn't know how to be semi-interested in something. She was either indifferent ... or obsessed." Helen Hoang

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