Not "Just Another Day"

Not "Just Another Day"

    There are so many things that are different this year. Christmas has been a difficult time of the year for me for various reasons over my adult years. As a child, I have nothing but fond memories of Christmas. It was never about the gifts received, but the love that flooded my heart. I am fortunate enough to have known the love of three of my great grandparents, my grandparents, and the ever abiding love and devotion of my parents. I have so many beautiful memories.

    This year, I didn't put up a tree. Maybe if there is no tree, I won't remember. Maybe if I wait to wrap the gifts I purchased until just before leaving the house, Christmas would pass on by. I needed today to be "just another day." Sadly, it is not. There is a tremendous void in my life and I have tried so hard to tamp down the emotion and distress I feel. I've tried to maintain that happy façade. Inside, I feel depleted and tired. My family is my strength when I don't have strength within myself. This year, my family is not whole and neither am I. The losses of my Mema (maternal grandmother) and my Daddy are excruciating. Most days I push through. Most days I stay busy with teaching, reading, and writing. Today, there was a pause in my "busy" and my feelings came rushing to the surface. 

    A friend asked me this morning if I had any plans for the day. My response was, "It's just another day." It was just that until I heard the sirens and helicopter landing in our little community. The sirens continued to blare and my heart grew heavy because I feared that someone else would know great loss today. 

    As I sit here trying to find the words to heal my own scarred heart, I reflect on the love that has been shown to my family this year. Over the last seven months, I have seen and felt the goodness created by my daddy's love for people and nature. I have seen little signs that he is still watching over me. I've seen it in the presence of nature and I've heard it in the voices of Daddy's friends. I've felt it in strong arms holding me in hard times. Today, though, has been the most difficult day since my Daddy gained his wings. I know for sure that he would want me to celebrate what this day truly means even through the difficulty. And so, as I type through a watery veil, I remember a child born to bring hope, peace, and love. I remember the love of a Father who gave his Son so that all might know this peace. I remember a Daddy full of love and pride in a busy little green-eyed girl. I'll do better Daddy. Christmas is NOT "just another day."

    

    


 

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